Most of my conservative friends think of me as liberal, most of my liberal friends think I am conservative. I am not inclined to correct any of them.
I think the reason I find myself in the now marginalized middle is because I place value in compromise and consensus. I put my value on people. If you really want to know my thoughts on a subject I am willing to share it. I might even debate with you. What I am not willing to do is degrade someone, put them down or demean them for not believing my side. I am not willing to assume them evil or inherently disloyal or immoral for a condescending belief.
There is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Now that I have come to fully understand the difference, I never want to fit in again my whole life. Beware of those peddling belonging and do not allow you to disagree. True belonging there is the openness to dissent. When you are fitting into a group whether it be religious, political, business, etc. you are conforming to the ways things are. There is no room for dissent. You fit in or you are on the outside. When you belong, truly belong then you and all your thoughts, beliefs can be heard and listened to without your inclusion sacrificed.
I once saw a friend, a lifelong democrat watching Fox News. She explained to me that she liked to watch the news source that favors the opposite side of the president in office. (This was while Obama was in office) She explained, “I know what I think about what he is saying, I want to know what the other side thinks.” This is what we need more of, people willing to hear the other side. Not to agree, not to be converted but to keep ourselves more open to hearing the actual story instead of a made up version of facts based on fear and extreme reactions to the story we are telling ourselves.
Bill Bishop says in The Sort:
“As people seek out social settings they prefer- as they choose the group that makes them most comfortable- the nation becomes more segregated. The benefit that ought to come from having a variety of opinions is lost on the righteousness that is the special entitlement of homogeneous groups. We all live with the results.
We geographically, politically and even spiritually sort ourselves into like minded groups in which we silence dissent, grow more extreme in our thinking, and consume only facts that support our beliefs. Making it even easier to ignore evidence that our position is wrong. We now live in a feedback loop hearing our own thoughts about what's right and wrong bounced back at us by the TV shows we watch, the newspapers and books we read, the blogs we visit online, the sermons we hear and the neighborhoods we live in. This sorting makes us make assumptions about people around us that in turn fuels disconnection.”
Many years ago, a friend once called me a friend collector. I think when he said it, it was meant as a negative thing. For years I thought back to this. Was I collecting friends? Did I have a hard time letting people ‘go’ in my life? Is this abandonment issues? Am I ‘people pleaser’? Likely all that is true. Although there have been times I distanced myself from people out of self preservation, I came to realize that I might have overall been a people collector so to speak.
I have come to change my view on the term friend collecting. Where before I was placing a negative connotation on it, now I have realized I like the way I view it. When you collect something it is usually because it is meaningful or valuable. Most collections do not have monetary values but it has some sort of value for you. It is special to the collecting for one reason or another. A person who collects those little decorative spoons does not concern themselves about what their neighbor thinks about spoons, they aren't concerned with the going rate of spoons on the market. They have their own inward values placed on them. When I thought about this- I guess I am a friend collector.
I value my friends. When I find out I disagree on a subject whether it be religious, political or other - I value the person over the difference of opinion. Sometimes, I even love that we see things differently and the perspective they give me.
Society has us believe in ‘If you aren't with me, you are against me.” This creates false barriers and ruins human connection. People can disagree- even on monumental issues and be friendly-even love those they disagree with. When you are in agreement with someone and you bond over a common enemy, hating the same people, gossiping, etc it is a counterfeit connection. It is immediately gratifying and can discharge outrage and pain but it does more damage to your own sense of belonging. You may have some common allies but not true belonging.
I have taken up arms in arguments on the same side as people who may believe the opposite of what I believe if they are 'outnumbered' in an argument. Someone once told me that made me 'wishy-washy.' Looking back now I realize why I do this. When I find myself in a group of like-minded people and nobody gives dissent or disagrees they can become so extreme in their thinking that they start to think of those who think any other way are the enemy. So when I find one person swarmed around people treating them like they are the enemy just because they disagree, I find myself playing devils advocate. I do not even have to know the other person, I just find it so distasteful to treat other people horrible just because they disagree. I realize that no matter how important the issue may be, the issue I believe in the most is treating people with respect.
There have been many times I have seen something some posted, shared or even commented directly to me online that has offended me or made me outright angry. I found myself wanting to unfriend that person. I have even hidden peoples posts. However, I made myself go back.Taking the advice that I know what I believe, I should also hear what other people believe. (Of course this does not apply to vulgar or outright attacking of people- I am referring to general sharing of opinions.)
I do not want to become so extreme that I silence anyone that does not agree with me. Now, I will not unfriend someone or silence their posts when I do not agree with them. I will read their post and think about it, sometimes for several days to try to figure out why it upsets me.
Be aware of the story you are telling yourself. Usually when I bristle and find myself ready to respond in anger I am trying to ‘unhurt’ more than hurt someone else. Take a moment, a minute, or however long it takes to analyze why something offends you. YOU personally not people in general, or people in the group you sorted yourself into. Usually you tell yourself a story of judgement or fear that isn't even implied. Or perhaps someone is implying it not out of what they believe, but out of their own fears.
Taking a recent debate as an example: I believe children should go back to school and the other thinks they should stay home. When someone stated that they believed children would be in danger if they went back to school I felt anger and recoiled. The story I immediately told myself was that they believed I was a horrible parent, they thought I didn't love my children, they thought I was weak and couldn't handle home school. This is the story I told myself, and was nothing of what they shared. In reality we arent that far apart. We both love our children and want what's best for them- we just differ on how to accomplish that. Take the time to stop and evaluate the internal story and dialogue of something that makes you uncomfortable.
The truth of belonging comes down to these words of one for my favorite authors Brene Brown: it is not a long distance from ‘I am better than they are’ to ‘I am not good enough.’ They are really two sides of the same coin. Both are a tax on OUR OWN WORTHINESS. Self righteousness is just the armor of self loathing.
If you find yourself thinking that you need to stop being friends with somebody because they do not agree with you, you are doing it wrong.
The only thing more abhorrent to disagreeing with people, is finding out that we surrounded ourselves with those so fully agree that we become extreme and exclusive and ideologically inbred.
(All italicized words throughout are quotes from Brene Brown’s, ‘Braving the Wilderness’ and ‘Rising Strong’. Highly recommended reads)
I decided to come make a post on my blog, even though its mostly abandoned. I decided to do it to get my thoughts out about whats going on int the world. I have friends from various walks of live and situations. I have some that are very liberal , some that are very conservative. I have friends that do things that I do not agree with. I have friends who's actions and vices I wouldn't choose for myself. Yet I love them and I am friends with them.
One of my least favorite things I see is when people believe that you couldn't possibly be friends with someone if they don't agree with you on this subject or that. Two of the most important things in my life are God and my family. However I have friends that do not even believe there is a God. They think some of my beliefs are insane. I have friends that do not like families and children and think i'm insane for having so many kids. (Hint: I am) Two fundamental things about me that make me- ME. Yet we can still be friends and love each other in-spite of this. So yeah, I roll my eyes when I see people say, "If you could vote for this person- we couldn't be friends!" "I'm going to unfriend you on Facebook if you don't agree with me!" How easy is it to be friends with someone that agrees with you? Isn't loving someone despite differences a more worthy and stronger love?
So back to my point. On Facebook I usually see posts from one spectrum of Ultra Liberal to Ultra Conservative on everything. Political, social, religious, etc. Usually I just sit back, with my popcorn watching the carnage. I usually float somewhere in the middle, seeing points of good on each side. I've learned long ago not to debate or even share opinions online because no one is ever going to read an emotionally charged response and say "Wow, you totally changed my mind."
Right now there is a big Black Lives Matter movement going on. Of course, as always I am seeing the polar opposites. Some friends aren't comfortable believing racism exists and thinks people are over reacting. I have other friends that believe that violence and destruction of property is not only needed that its necessary for change. I have some friends that are not willing to admit police ever do wrong and think if someone wasn't a criminal then police wouldn't need to use too much force. I have others that believe that police have no purpose, and all are evil and corrupt. Of course there are many in the middle of these two extremes but I see the full spectrum in my friends and feed.
I finally decided to come and blog my thoughts- not for any purpose other than to document my thoughts for my children. I can debate my friends. I can dig my feet in and yell and shout and ruin relationships- but how will you ever make a change in the world with destroyed relationships. If I honestly felt like I needed to influence someone for good it wouldn't be to fight and alienate them. My children, that is where I can make a difference. That is where I can truly make a difference- so this is for them.
The first thing I did when I came to my blog is read my last post, I didn't even remember it. It was back in 2016, and oddly enough was on the same subject that brought me here today. I was talking about people protesting and other people in their reacting to the protests. I mostly still agree with what I said, but feel like I am seeing things slightly differently years later.
A few years ago I saw this video.
In it there is a race. Before the race the kids get to take one step forward if they have both parents in the home, if they never had to help out their family financially, if they never had to worry about their next meal, etc.. By the end there is a clear difference of kids at the front and kids at the back.
Majority of the kids left behind were black. I love this video, I love what it points out. However, even though I loved it years ago my first though was- that its not always about race. I see a huge disparity between wealthy and poor. When I first saw this it solidified my point. I would have been back at the start. I would not have taken one single step. I hated hearing the term white privileged. I never felt privileged in my life. I was never handed anything. I didn't even take the SAT/ACT test when I was in high school. I knew I couldn't afford college and my life style was not ever consistent enough to get the grades needed for scholarships. I didn't even have the money to pay for test! College wasn't an option. My white privileged wasn't doing me any good. As a matter of fact, when I did go to local junior college I got my books paid for by claiming my half Portuguese side and qualified under a minority grant. Thanks again for nothing white privileged. I have a nice home and comfortable life now but worked hard for it. I fought to be where I am. I was so bitter to hear white privileged before.
I have however changed and see things slightly different. Although I bristle a little, its just semantics. I do believe there is a for sure Black disadvantage. I heard one lady say she told her kids to always get a receipt when you leave a store so you cant be accused of stealing. Even if its only a pack of gum. I get this, I can see why its needed. I have seen racism. I have seen people think someone is 'suspicious looking' based only on their skin. I have seen friends walking in the street passing people calmly then grab their purse tighter as they pass a black person.
I watched a show where a kid lost his house key and was climbing though a window. His parents were both working. It was a nice neighborhood. The kid was black and climbing though a window in a nice neighborhood was suspicious. He was shot. Because of seeing this- a mom pulled her son aside to have 'the talk.' Then I was horrified when the talk was explaining not the birds and bees but about how he should act in certain situations just because they were black. She explained interactions with other people and police officers and explained that even when his white friends are doing things and being sarcastic and talking back he couldn't. How even if you see a white kid talk back, you always say yes sir and do what is asked. And you know what? I see it. I see how that can be true in some areas, because I have seen it. I can see why 'the talk' is needed for her son. Yet I never would have thought to have that talk with mine. Sure I have taught my kids manners and to show respect, however I have never though to teach them that if they don't it could cost them their life. I know without a doubt that for some people it could.
I truly believe that one person can be in the exact same situation as another person but have a more negative outcome just because of the color of their skin. There is a black disadvantage in many areas of our society. I do not feel like I have had a privileged life. As much as I bristle at white privileged because I have worked hard and fought for every thing I have in life- I realize I was able to fight.
I can not help but wonder if I would not have the same chances to work hard, to get the jobs I have, if my skin was darker. Crap, I had two speeding tickets before I had my license. Heaven knows I have a smart-alec mouth. Would I have had more negative results? When I am pulled over my first concern is, "Crap, my insurance is going to go up!" I do believe that there are people that worry, "Am I going to be shot?"
Yes, maybe I would have been ok. Maybe I would have had different opportunities. I did get my books paid for by claiming my minority half. There are some benefits where there are disadvantage. I acknowledge that as well. Yet I am not about to claim one advantage as an excuse for other disadvantages. Also, I cant help that all those 'advantages' are forced upon society to try to equal out the inherent disadvantages.
I also want to note that as much as I believe that there are racist people in all walks of life- and of course that means that there will be racist cops- I do not believe cops are inherently evil. I fully believe that cops are people who put their lives on the line daily. They are running toward danger when others are running from it. Police officers were heroes on 9-11. It broke my heart seeing those same heroes in New York having protesters spit literally in their faces a week ago.
Honestly my first thought when someone would claim that all cops are bastards because the actions of some- Have you ever had a job? I mean I have, and I have worked with some bastards. When I worked at Macy's I saw one girl treat some customers like crap while treating others like queens. If you looked like you could spend money, she waited on you hand and foot. If you looked like you couldn't you were taking up air someone else better should be breathing. I saw her deny returns to someone who had cleared all the return policy criteria because they "LOOKED like someone who wore a dress then returned it the next day." It wasn't even a race thing, as she was a minority. It was more of a social status or income prejudice. But thank heaven that person didn't start beating up all Macy employees because we must all be bastards. Or burn down the store in protest.
This is where some of my friends would jump in and say that is one person- we are talking about hundreds of years of mistreatment. Or being killed is way different that not having a dress returned. I get that, but the point I am making is that you can not judge someone based on other peoples actions even if they share the same job.
My thoughts on 'All lives matter.' I'll be honest years ago when the phrase 'Black Lives Matter.' first surfaced I thought, "Ugh. Why? Why would they coin that phrase?" When talking about black people being killed if they would have said all lives matter it would have made less of a wedge. Less of an argument. Every time a black person was killed unjustly we say, all lives matter to remind ourselves that they matter. I still see my point, but now I am over the semantics of it. If my son died and I was at his funeral and started to explain how awesome he is- would you interrupt me to say that all children are awesome? When Jesus was giving the sermon on the mount and said, "blessed is the poor" did someone interrupt him and say, "Um, excuse me Jesus- but we are all blessed." You wouldn't interrupt me or Jesus because it goes without saying. Anytime someone is saying "Black Lives Matter" they are referring to someone who died unjustly. There is no need to state that everyone matters- its just insensitive to the moment.
This brings me to another point. Blue lives matter. Police officers are being killed- unjustly. They are being killed JUST for their job. I really hate when people claim "they signed up for it." That is a heartless justification and a lack of humanity. Its like saying that because someone commits a crime- they signed up for it. George Floyd the man at the center of the latest protests, has a criminal past. Some say that alone means the officer had to use extreme measure. Once a man is cuffed and not resisting he should be in the back of the car. There was no need to kneel on his neck. I think justifying his crimes for the actions of that exact moment is not fair. On the reverse, justifying ones career choice as justification for them dying is not fair. No officer deserves to be killed, just because they are a cop.
Are there bad cops? Absolutely. Are there good cops, absolutely. I do not think there is a race, a religion, a career, a gender, or any walk of life that doesn't have some in it that can be found to be dishonest, racist, horrible people. Which I will refer to my post in 2016- its just one war. There isn't just a race war, there is isn't just a class war, there isn't just a religious war. It goes back to the one main war. Good against evil. Love vs hate.
Some claim that officers should be held to a higher standard. Absolutely. They should. With power come responsibility. There does need to be reform in policing. Officers are over worked, under respected, and grossly under trained. They are being targeted and killed just for trying to do their job. There is the problem. Their jobs are supposed to enforce law and provide public safety. However more and more they are expected to handle emotional and psychological issues. They are not trained for this. We need to rethink what we expect out of officers and provide the training and education and other resources to match.
I can see the issues of societies expectations in my job. I am a property manager. Yet I have my residents come to me wanting me to solve relationship issues, financial issues, psychological issues. Its the cliche millennial issue of people expecting others to solve their problems. Others are responsible for their happiness, their success. They have an inherit right to have things their way. I am not alone in dealing with these issues- its in all jobs. This week alone has had two different media coverage of people losing their minds over getting their food prepared wrong at a drive though. This was such an injustice that they "shouldn't have to deal with" that they assaulted the drive though worker. So we expect more and more of police yet do not provide more assistance, more training?
I do believe there needs to be reform in policing. I have to admit that I live in a great town. Two wonderful things I have seen in recent events that I wish could happen in more towns and cities.
First, our town created jobs of victim advocates. When there is a crime committed against someone the victims advocates are called, usually right on scene. They are there FOR the victim. They make sure they are safe and taken care of while things are investigated and charged. Love this. It lets the officers do their job of staying impartial and finding the truth and providing a way for a victim to be safer.
Second, how officers responded during our towns first Black Lives Matters protest. Knowing that in some areas marches and protests turned violent they were present to provide safety. However they realized that those matching are also people they swore to protect. I watched them park at each street crossing and blocked side traffic so the march could continue unstopped and without injury. When the protest started at 3pm in 100 plus degree heat they provided water and otter pops. Yeah, I know this isn't the response of all police forces- I know there were officers in places that provided some of the violence. And I know if someone started acting violently our officers would have put a stop to it. I love the example of how it could be- of how it should be- our officers provided.
There have been some famous black actors, political figures and singers come out to say they don't believe in racism. They were black and did just fine. They point out that they were able to make it. Like I said, they point out that are so many opportunities just because you are a minority. They are not happy that we hail criminals as martyrs. They want 'better representatives' for their race. I get their point. My religion has been persecuted and people murdered for their beliefs. To this day the media will point out a criminals religion if hes LDS. For example, "LDS man arrested for child pornography." If he was catholic or Protestant would his religion be mentioned? Yet Operation Underground Railroad, one of the largest non-profit companies in assisting the stop of human trafficking, was founded and ran by an LDS man- no mention of his religion in articles.
Denzel Washington said racism will exist until you say this sentence, "Innocent black man killed by a corrupt white cop" Like "Innocent man killed by corrupt cop." I can see this point. Media fans flames instead of informing. I can see how some with great opportunities have flourished. A rich black man will do better than a poor black man. Would men at equal station do the same? I see some points in the things people like Morgan Freeman and Lil Wayne say. But I also am not going to let those be the only voices of minorities I listen to. I am not going to let myself feel comfortable in denying racism exists when I have seen it. I think a LARGE part of problems is the media. There were WAY more peaceful protests than violent ones. Also Tony Timpa, a white man was killed the same way George Floyd was. Actually whats worse, he was mocked and laughed at by officers while they killed him. This wasn't covered so intensely by media. It wasn't flashy, it didn't incite people. It didn't get you to tune in.
As much as I believe there is racism and there are cases where race was an issue- its not always. People are being tunneled into seeing only what media thinks can get them more ratings. I wish they could have shown more of the good. I have several friends that live in Minneapolis and they posted about the diverse groups of people that came together to rebuild their communities about the people that donated food to those who lost things in the riots. As much as we need to see the bad (someone being killed unjustly) we also need to see the answers (treating people better) There needs to be reform, there needs to be change but I will never see violence against innocent people being an answer.
I have heard the Boston Tea party for being a justification for allowing the violence that is happening now. I guess the ends justify the means. Well, America is free because Christopher Columbus came here. Sure, he killed a bunch of people unjustly too. But we are free, so if the Boston Tea party can be justified as violence now being ok then you have to agree with Columbus atrocities. The ends justifies the means. Right? It is possible to be thankful I live in a free country and be thankful for the good Columbus did and Founding Fathers did while also being horrified and disagreeing with the atrocities being needed. I wonder to those who think the violence is justified and needed- What is your father was killed stopping a man from stealing from you? What if your family business or home was burned to the ground? Would you shrug and say, "well, I guess it has to happen"?
I watched as people ran out of stores with TVs, killed a man for trying to stop them. One man pulled a gun on 5 women who were trying to clean up their neighborhood. Some people say this is needed for a revolution to happen. I don't agree. I do not think those people doing those things care about the black lives movement. As a matter of fact, they are hurting it. Instead of talking about racism and reform that is needed we watching chaos debating violence. The wrong people have the mic.
Whatever side you are on: Conservative/Liberal, Republican/Democrat, Rich/Poor, Religious/Not religious, Gay/Strait, Black/White - no matter the difference we have when we see to solutions to discussing our disagreements in a way of seeing it as love/hate and deciding to choose love no matter what then we are going to be on the right side. You can not fight hate with more hate. You can not justify your wrongs by pointing out that others have wronged you. I might sound like a hippy but I say this mostly to remind myself. I struggle with anger and justice every day. I mainly am reminding myself. I have been tempted to stop talking to someone, to unfriend someone becasue they said soemthing to annoy me. I remind myself often not to. I need to hear both sides of the story. I need to hear what other people belive even when I disagree. Its how we grow as humans.
I know its a touchy subject for some- going into the public, opening things up. Is it safe? Is staying home 100% safe either? Here is my outlook on the subject.
A few weeks back we had two horrific car accidents just days apart on the freeway near our home between Mesquite and St. George. How can I avoid myself or my family from that happening to us? Can we decide that the gorge is too dangerous and never travel to St. George again? If we never travel on that freeway, we can assure we never get into an accident there and die. However we decided to learn from those and as always wear our seat belts, double check the children's seats are correct and secure, we avoid distractions in the car, we check to be sure our tires, breaks and all other items are working on the car. We are sure to be alert and paying attention. In short- we go, but we go cautiously. This is similar to my views on the shut down. Especially being in Nevada where we have been impacted and will be impacted for years to come from the shut down. Our health and being safe from covid has to be a factor- however it can not be the ONLY factor. Below is a letter I wrote to the school district:
I wanted to share my prospective of the distance learning. I work in low-income housing. I see the home life of the disadvantage youth in your schools.
As a mother of 4 students enrolled in CCSD ranging from elementary to high school, I struggled to teach my students. My husband and I both work full time, and continued to work though the shut downs. We struggled, but we got through it. Mainly because we make our kids a priority. Even making them a priority they struggled academically, and even more so emotionally. Every single one of my kids have struggled with emotions during this time. These are students with steady income, two parents in the home, food on the table each night- even they struggled with the distance learning.
What is happening in the homes with those without the favors my children have? I can tell you- I see it. You offer meals for pick up. I LOVE THAT. It is needed and bless so many. However there are still some that are not able or frankly unwilling to travel the mile to get their kids lunch. Their children aren't their priority. They are being ignored at best, and when seen are being abused not taught.
The students that struggle in school because they do not get help at home are getting further behind. Their parents are not doing distance learning. The gap is getting larger. There are kids that only get attention when they are at school. There are children who only hear anything positive from an adult when they are at school. School for some is not just a place or learning, but a refuge.
Studies on afsp.org showed in 2018 that there were 1.4 Million suicide attempts. Since shut downs, suicide attempts are up 60 percent. Abuse and domestic violence rates have doubled. These numbers are expected to rise as the financial repercussions of the shut downs hit, especially in our state. These are things that are happening in your students homes. They always have, but now they increased and the students do not get a break from it, they not get a safe place, they do not have their outlet of refuge.
Is there a risk in opening up schools and letting students mingle? Absolutely, there always was. Is that risk amplified with Covid? Absolutely. Will some get sick? Probably.
However when you look at the emotional need for interaction, face to face learning and the other needs that our students get from school- shutting down or limiting days is a greater health risk.
We save nothing by limiting school to two days. The students will be sharing the same teacher, and have the same chance of contracting the sickness with 10 kids in their class as they do 20 or 30. I agree we should take precautions with masks and excess washing. They need to be outside when possible getting physical exercise, not cutting out PE. To not let the students go to a full week school you are further hindering their education, and exposing them to emotional, physical and hardships.
I saw a quote on your presentation about ignoring the good for the perfect. I agree, locking people up in their homes and never coming out is the perfect way to avoid sharing germs. However that is now reasonable for life. The good would be to go back to school, cautiously.
If my child were to get sick, I would want them to be emotionally and physically healthy to have a better chance of fighting it off. How well off are our children when they are emotionally drained?
There are no perfect answers here, we all know that. I just urge you to look not only at how to get students the knowledge school provides, but to look at the whole picture of what is needed. What a great opportunity you have to prove that our schools are essential. What you provide is needed and indispensable. Lets not limit or reduce its value. Our students deserve to go back to school, full school without shortened weeks.
