Part of my collection...

 Most of my conservative friends think of me as liberal, most of my liberal friends think I am conservative. I am not inclined to correct any of them. 

I think the reason I find myself in the now marginalized middle is because I place value in compromise and consensus.  I put my value on people. If you really want to know my thoughts on a subject I am willing to share it. I might even debate with you. What I am not willing to do is degrade someone, put them down or demean them for not believing my side. I am not willing to assume them evil or inherently disloyal or immoral for a condescending belief.

There is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Now that I have come to fully understand the difference, I never want to fit in again my whole life. Beware of those peddling belonging and do not allow you to disagree. True belonging there is the openness to dissent. When you are fitting into a group whether it be religious, political, business, etc. you are conforming to the ways things are. There is no room for dissent. You fit in or you are on the outside. When you belong, truly belong then you and all your thoughts, beliefs can be heard and listened to without your inclusion sacrificed. 

I once saw a friend, a lifelong democrat watching Fox News. She explained to me that she liked to watch the news source that favors the opposite side of the president in office. (This was while Obama was in office) She explained, “I know what I think about what he is saying, I want to know what the other side thinks.”  This is what we need more of, people willing to hear the other side. Not to agree, not to be converted but to keep ourselves more open to hearing the actual story instead of a made up version of facts based on fear and extreme reactions to the story we are telling ourselves. 

Bill Bishop says in The Sort:

“As people seek out social settings they prefer- as they choose the group that makes them most comfortable- the nation becomes more segregated. The benefit that ought to come from having a variety of opinions is lost on the righteousness that is the special entitlement of homogeneous groups. We all live with the results. 

We geographically, politically and even spiritually sort ourselves into like minded groups in which we silence dissent, grow more extreme in our thinking, and consume only facts that support our beliefs. Making it even easier to ignore evidence that our position is wrong. We now live in a feedback loop hearing our own thoughts about what's right and wrong bounced back at us by the TV shows we watch, the newspapers and books we read, the blogs we visit online, the sermons we hear and the neighborhoods we live in. This sorting makes us make assumptions about people around us that in turn fuels disconnection.”

Many years ago, a friend once called me a friend collector. I think when he said it, it was meant as a negative thing. For years I thought back to this. Was I collecting friends? Did I have a hard time letting people ‘go’ in my life?  Is this abandonment issues? Am I ‘people pleaser’? Likely all that is true. Although there have been times I distanced myself from people out of self preservation,  I came to realize that I might have overall been a people collector so to speak.

I have come to change my view on the term friend collecting. Where before I was placing a negative connotation on it, now I have realized I like the way I view it. When you collect something it is usually because it is meaningful or valuable. Most collections do not have monetary values but it has some sort of value for you. It is special to the collecting for one reason or another. A person who collects those little decorative spoons does not concern themselves about what their neighbor thinks about spoons, they aren't concerned with the going rate of spoons on the market. They have their own inward values placed on them. When I thought about this- I guess I am a friend collector. 

I value my friends. When I find out I disagree on a subject whether it be religious, political or other - I value the person over the difference of opinion. Sometimes, I even love that we see things differently and the perspective they give me. 

Society has us believe in ‘If you aren't with me, you are against me.” This creates false barriers and ruins human connection. People can disagree- even on monumental issues and be friendly-even love those they disagree with. When you are in agreement with someone and you bond over a common enemy, hating the same people, gossiping, etc it is a counterfeit connection. It is immediately gratifying and can discharge outrage and pain but it does more damage to your own sense of belonging. You may have some common allies but not true belonging. 

I have taken up arms in arguments on the same side as people who may believe the opposite of what I believe if they are 'outnumbered' in an argument. Someone once told me that made me 'wishy-washy.' Looking back now I realize why I do this. When I find myself in a group of like-minded people and nobody gives dissent or disagrees they can become so extreme in their thinking that they start to think of those who think any other way are the enemy. So when I find one person swarmed around people treating them like they are the enemy just because they disagree, I find myself playing devils advocate. I do not even have to know the other person, I just find it so distasteful to treat other people horrible just because they disagree. I realize that no matter how important the issue may be, the issue I believe in the most is treating people with respect.

There have been many times I have seen something some posted, shared or even commented directly to me online that has offended me or made me outright angry. I found myself wanting to unfriend that person. I have even hidden peoples posts. However, I made myself go back.Taking the advice that I know what I believe, I should also hear what other people believe. (Of course this does not apply to vulgar or outright attacking of people- I am referring to general sharing of opinions.)

I do not want to become so extreme that I silence anyone that does not agree with me. Now, I will not unfriend someone or silence their posts when I do not agree with them. I will read their post and think about it, sometimes for several days to try to figure out why it upsets me.

Be aware of the story you are telling yourself. Usually when I bristle and find myself ready to respond in anger I am trying to ‘unhurt’ more than hurt someone else. Take a moment, a minute, or however long it takes to analyze why something offends you. YOU personally not people in general, or people in the group you sorted yourself into. Usually you tell yourself a story of judgement or fear that isn't even implied. Or perhaps someone is implying it not out of what they believe, but out of their own fears. 

Taking a recent debate as an example: I believe children should go back to school and the other thinks they should stay home. When someone stated that they believed children would be in danger if they went back to school I felt anger and recoiled. The story I immediately told myself was that they believed I was a horrible parent, they thought I didn't love my children, they thought I was weak and couldn't handle home school. This is the story I told myself, and was nothing of what they shared. In reality we arent that far apart. We both love our children and want what's best for them- we just differ on how to accomplish that. Take the time to stop and evaluate the internal story and dialogue of something that makes you uncomfortable.

The truth of belonging comes down to these words of one for my favorite authors Brene Brown: it is not a long distance from ‘I am better than they are’ to ‘I am not good enough.’ They are really two sides of the same coin. Both are a tax on OUR OWN WORTHINESS. Self righteousness is just the armor of self loathing.

If you find yourself thinking that you need to stop being friends with somebody because they do not agree with you, you are doing it wrong. 

The only thing more abhorrent to disagreeing with people, is finding out that we surrounded ourselves with those so fully agree that we become extreme and exclusive and ideologically inbred. 

(All italicized words throughout are quotes from Brene Brown’s, ‘Braving the Wilderness’ and ‘Rising Strong’. Highly recommended reads)