I remember being at youth conference when I was just barley old enough for YW's. It was a big regional California conference and the speaker was from the quorum of the 12. He was talking about the 'last days' and said that the second coming WOULD happen in our (the youth) life time. He didn't say it could, it might, he said it would. I could be pretty cynical and apathetic sometimes, but for some reason that hit me. I believed it. The second I heard it, I knew it was true.
I believed in this so much that I had sort of a denial about death. Throughout the years when people would talk about wills, their last wishes, or the age they think they might die at and such things- I would block them out as useless thoughts. I would say, "I don't plan on dying.' The more I thought about it, the joke was actually true. I really didn't plan on dying. I knew that I would be here still for the end. Of course now I realize that the apostle meant my generation, not me specifically. I could feasible get struck by lightning and die tomorrow. OK-lighting in Mesquite isn't realistic-but the point is the same. I may not see the second coming even if it is within my generations lifetime.
However, growing up with the subconscious thought of the time being near I found myself if an almost panic about it happening 'too soon'. That I might miss out on some part of my earthly experience. Would I get married before it happened? Have children? Be a grandmother? Will I be the person I want to be yet?
Although I probably wasn't the best babysitter in the world, I babysat a lot in my youth. I loved the kids I watched. One family in particular I had a standing Friday night with. I actually turned down dates and scheduled my work shifts around being there with them. It was in high school on one of those Friday nights playing hide-and-seek that I suddenly got scared. What if I don't live to be a mother?? The reason for my freak out was probably more selfish then anything. I was SO sure that I would excel at being a parent. Even spiritually I knew that it was as a mother I would shine. That is where I would prove myself. I knew that I would be a great mom and that if given the chance I would do everything right. I wasn't a great athlete, I didn't play musical instruments, I wasn't the 4.0 student, I was just the proverbial Jack of a few things-master of none. I remember actually praying and begging to be able to have my chance, to prove myself as a mother before the second coming. How can I be judged without being given my turn to shine!?
I've been thinking about that a lot this week. How sad to find myself so far from shining. My work has taken me out of town a lot. Then when I am home I so stressed out about proving that I can still be a good mom that my stress boils over and I prove myself wrong.
Of course my 'shine' I was so sure I would have got tainted quickly. I find myself chanting in my head all too often "bad mother, bad mother".
When we were at a red light and Zachary yells angrily from the back seat "Come on old lady!" (bad mother, bad mother)
When Oliver forms sentence at 18 months and I am so proud. I quickly get put into check as we drive by a McDonald's -and I am embarrassed to admit how familiar he is of the place- he starts shouting "Fence fies momma!" (bad mother, bad mother)
When I think I am a good mom because my boys have good hygiene practices. Then Coleman actually has to see a psychologist for compulsive hand washing. (bad mother, bad mother)
When everything in life is just one big video game to Ben- This had been comical in the past. He gravitates toward anything electronic. He loves the computer, video games, my ipod-anything with buttons and a screen is heaven to Ben. Even in his sleep he will mumble, " I wanna play Wii" We have caught him up playing a DS at 4 am. We can get him to clean up if he gets to different 'levels' as he cleans up different areas. His little obsession has been cute, but lately I have realized how much it has seeped into all areas of his little brain. When Ben wants to be the first one in the car or the first one to be served at dinner he yells, "I want to be player 1!" and then one day when I said that my head was killing me Ben took my head in his hands and told me "Your not dying momma. You are green-not red." I was a little slow, but finally caught on. His DS is green when fully charged and gets red when its dying and needs to be charged. (bad mother, Oh what a bad mother)
It's funny. I thought I had to be a mother to prove myself. I thought I would need to have this chance to show Heavenly Father how well I could do.
Now I am just trying to survive the experience and hoping there is some small dark corner in heaven left for me when its over.
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3 comments:
While you were gone last week, I asked the boys if they missed you. They all said yes, so I asked what they missed and jokingly suggested they missed you yelling at them?
Coleman immediately said he missed you reading to them every night before bed, and Zach said he missed your hugs. I think Ben still said something about the Wii, but your boys and especially I think you are a great mother.
oh michelle my heart was breaking a little reading your blog. you are an amazing mother. I see it in everything that your boys do. They are so sweet and thoughtful and that does not come from a bad mother. Yes Ben loves the Wii but that is a phase and every time we play a new game the first thing he says is make mommy play too(meaning the mii we have made up to be you)Oliver lights up anytime anyone is at the door he runs to it and says moma. They adore you and they are so secure as children with who they are and what they like that is big and that comes from you being a secure, wonderful, sweet, kind mother. They watch you and duplicate what you do and all I have seen is goodness. Don't stress my friend you shine and your children are little stars as well.
Bethany
Michelle you are definitely a good mother. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this! I can totally tell that your boys adore you. And they are very good boys. They know right from wrong, and they have respect for other people. They are happy. Ultimately- isn't that what is the most important? You keep tryin' and doing your best, and just know that you are a good mom. You are also so good at so many other things- photography, your job, cleaning:) are just a few things. You are a wonderful friend- and I am truly blessed to have you as one. Have confidence that you are trying and succeeding in so many ways. Everything else will fall into place!!
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